It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I was walking down one of the side hallways of the church. The services were over for the day and most of the congregants had left.
I saw a woman walking towards me. She was headed out to the foyer. She was known for serving the church yummy things, especially on a Sunday morning and it was now her assignment to clean up the debris of everything that had not been eaten.
As we approached each other, I wore a polite smile and was just about to greet her when she said, “And why do you get to be the co-host?”
I was completely taken aback. I didn’t have super regular conversations with her, but the disdain in her voice told me I had somehow offended her.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked with concern. I was very curious about what had provoked her response to me.
I followed her out to the foyer where she explained to me the many thoughts she had pent up about the church’s Q&A channel on YouTube. She vocalized how she thought her son would be an excellent addition to the team. That his perspective would be an asset to the ministry.
I listened to this mother’s pricked heart. She was obviously upset about the lack of opportunities her child had. I did my best to absorb her perspective and told her I would mention it to our pastor. I was open to her ideas, but also knew I was not in charge of making those types of decisions.
However, it seemed she was reacting to an unspoken rule that we were both aware of, which was, that only the favorites were given an opportunity like the ones her son was missing out on.
A few days later, while we were recording in the studio, I mentioned the conversation to my Pastor. Maybe this unspoken rule didn’t really exist. Maybe it was all in my head. I genuinely wondered if he would be open to bringing in some more voices.
It was a hard stop. He was annoyed and defensive. I don’t remember his argument but I knew enough not to push it any further. I needed to trust his guidance and leadership. We were trying to provide helpful content for our church and he knew best how to do that.
After all, I only started co-hosting the channel after one of my dear friends moved out of state. She was the original co-host and recommended me for the job. That’s usually how things worked with open positions in the church. The person leaving the position would be asked to suggest some good candidates to replace themselves and the pastor would determine whether he was on board or not.
I know that because I had worked for him in multiple capacities over the years, which included being his assistant. So when I got the phone call that he wanted me to try doing some test recordings with him, I was pretty excited at the prospect.
It wasn’t abnormal for me to hear from him anytime there was an open position in the church, but it made it no less thrilling. I had to decline multiple times because working outside the home is a difficult fit for a homeschool mom. However, I still liked being asked. He trusted me. What’s not to like about that?
Over the ten years that I attended, I quickly grew to learn that I could expect constant positive feedback from him. I enjoyed it, even if it was a bit over the top. Sometimes when I tried to truthfully admit one of my shortcomings he would respond in disbelief. We’d playfully argue over his skewed perspective.
I remember one time we were making small talk while we waited for the cameras to be adjusted before we could begin recording. He mentioned that he had seen the movie Raya and the Last Dragon over the weekend. I asked him what he thought about it. His review was unmemorable, but then added, “I think you look like her.” He watched me closely for my reaction. Outwardly, I shrugged the comment off. It was not uncommon for a person to tell me that my face reminded them of someone, but in my heart, it felt like a compliment.
As I reflect back now I know there was something much deeper going on. A pastor’s words hold profound influence and impact. As he lavished me with constant praise, my soul felt as if I was getting the biggest stamp of approval, but not from the pastor, from God. There was something supernaturally fulfilling about receiving these words from him.
Perhaps even more mysterious was that his flattery caused me to wear a blindfold. I feel ashamed to say that I have seen small red flags raised over the years. I’m even more ashamed to say that I saw big red flags too. The kind of flags I now know that other pastors have been known to be fired for.
However, with my positions, my praise, and our whole community bound up in one place, I simply hid those flags under my sanctuary seat.
Things seemed to go on as normal if I didn’t confront him anyway. And if I did, wouldn’t that make working together even more awkward? I couldn’t unsee what I saw or unhear what I heard, but I could choose not to bring it up to him. I could pretend I didn’t notice it. I chose not to dwell on it.
The personal risk was too high.
Somehow, I was able to dismiss my high value for integrity.
It was like magic.
I was able to stuff the warning signs down until I almost couldn’t see it anymore…almost.
As I have grown in my understanding of abusive systems this past year, I was shocked to find my experience so clearly outlined in Chapter 2 of Wade Mullen’s book, “Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse and Freeing Yourself From its Power”(you can find a link on my RESOURCES page). A lump in my throat grew as the author explained the covert and overt tactics of flattery used to control someone.
Here is just a small portion of what he says:
“As the wheel of worship spins faster and faster, and as flattery is embedded in the culture of a relationship or organization, it becomes increasingly difficult for anyone to interject a sincere expression of truth. This is why the more flattery you see from a person or within an organization, the more dangerous that person or organization might be. The constant praise creates blind spots as people are hesitant to speak criticism because flatterers begin to see criticism as negative, disruptive, and disrespectful. The ever-breeding flattery crowds out dissension, an important safeguard against corruption. Those who remain by an abuser’s side tend to be those who are willing to insincerely praise their leader and unquestionably align themselves with their leader’s agenda, often in hopes that they too might share in the power and adoration. It’s a dangerous dynamic.”
To my surprise, multiple bible verses warn of the dangers of flattery. Reading through them caused a sick pit in my stomach. It’s all right here. How didn’t I know? I’ve been in church my whole life!
It’s time to warn the flock. We need to start talking about these ungodly techniques used to control within the walls of a church.
Here are a few warning signs that someone in leadership may be using flattery to achieve their own purposes.
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They make consistent attempts to give you compliments or compliment you every time you are with them.
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The compliments are robust and are not fitting for the action.
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They minimize or do not accept a truthful confession of wrong from you.
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If they do choose to believe your confession, they respond by praising you in some other way.
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They regularly call you for advice or to invite you to work on projects that are important to them.
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Along with flattering statements, they ask for information they are not naturally privy to.
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They ask for recurring favors and couple them with extreme displays of appreciation.
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If or when you disagree with them or act in a way they don’t approve of, you experience a noticeable decrease in the number of verbal strokes or are penalized in some other way.
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They make it clear that they are giving you a special opportunity that others don’t have.
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They use their platform to publicly admonish their supporters or favorites with extremisms. Where ever there is an audience, either on social media or on a stage, they will use exaggerated terms like, “best ever, the most, never before.”
