How Churches Can Help the Spiritually Abused

 

Being hurt in the church is not a rare occurrence. Humans offend one another constantly, and religious organizations are not exempt from this truth. 

 

It is a part of human nature. 

 

These incidents can run the gamut, from small infractions to life-altering consequences. Inside the church’s double doors, we encounter times when we don’t receive the invitation when everyone else does, a harsh comment is made to us, or we weren’t considered for an important role we think we would’ve been perfect for.

 

These types of scenarios can cause us pain.  

 

But for individuals who have suffered from spiritual abuse, they are dealing with far more than a small relational injury. Professor and author Michael Kruger says that spiritual abuse entails patterns of control, manipulation, bullying, and intimidating behaviors from trusted spiritual leaders that are most often left unresolved. The serious side effects of this abuse are, of course, spiritual, but often affect one’s physical, emotional, and mental health. I encourage you to read a copy of Kruger’s book, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church to read about the sobering list of ailments that can accompany a spiritual abuse victim. 

 

Because of the wide spectrum of harm that can happen in the church, Kruger highlights the disconnect churches can have with spiritual abuse victims, 

 

“Unfortunately, some churches have minimized the problem, unaware of how deep these wounds run, sometimes even insisting that victims should just “get over it” and move on with their lives. The purpose of this chapter is to push back against this misconception by exploring these wounds of spiritual abuse more fully. If churches are to be motivated to act–to proactively guard against abusive pastors–they have to come face-to-face with the devastating effects of spiritual abuse.”

 

With this in mind, it’s no surprise that the victim’s recovery will be a steep uphill climb towards any church community. Many times, it will take years, or even decades, for them to consider returning to a Sunday service. Unfortunately, it’s become more common for these individuals to walk away from their faith altogether. 

 

Speaking from my own prior experience in the church, I was not knowledgeable of what spiritual abuse looked or felt like. I only knew of those people who had a bad church story that seemed to have poisoned their well of trust. 

 

I had a solution for those types of people. It went like this, “Wow, that’s terrible! My church is different. It’s amazing. You’ll love it. Want to come on a Sunday?” 

 

Sometimes this worked, most times I was just politely told, “No, thanks.”

 

At the time, I wasn’t sure what I was missing, but I was convinced that I had done all I could to get them back to church. 

 

I invited them…back…to…church. 

 

Why did I think coaxing them back to a place that reminds them of their trauma was the best I could do? 

 

Because the church was safe and comfortable for me. 

Because I trusted my church and could never fathom anything as terrible happening in my church. 

Because I didn’t understand spiritual abuse.

 

The only solutions I could come up with were come-to-us solutions. 

 

If they weren’t interested in joining me, what else could I do?

 

But when I read through Ezekiel 34, I realized that that is not how God responds to victims of abusive church leaders. In fact, my response was more like the ungodly shepherds God addresses in verses 2-4, and 6, 

 

“…Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost…My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them.”

 

I was not finding these poor sheep where they were. The injured, lost, triggered, and afraid-to-trust sheep. 

 

I was busy making brownies for the church picnic. I was rushing out the door to get my kids to their youth group on time. I was cutting out letters to decorate the children’s foyer with. 

 

My social cup was FULL. My spiritual life, FULL. My creativity outlet, FULL.

 

I was content. Satisfied. And I didn’t have much free time to care for someone with a church-gone-wrong story. 

 

My best solution was to insert them into my familiar church routine. The convenience of adding them to my super schedule allowed my friends, interests, and comfort to remain right at the center. 

 

But there is a stark difference in God’s response to the wounded. In Ezekial 34:11-12, 16, He says,

 

“For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness…I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak…”

 

What if we stopped asking how we can get people back into our physical church, and instead, learned how to seek, find, and care for these wounded souls right where they are? 

 

It will take sacrifice. It will require us to lament. It will be hard.

 

But isn’t that what Jesus calls us to do?

 

Let’s talk about what the church can do and should avoid doing to help the spiritually abused.

 

Do This

 

Do get educated on the topic of spiritual abuse. Being informed allows us to recognize it. It also helps us understand the victim’s experience. Visit my Resource page to find podcast episodes, websites, and books dedicated to this topic.

 

Do create small groups for those unable to trust the church. A small group gives victims a place to connect with other believers without the pressure to devote themselves to any particular religious institution. These are not groups focused on Sunday’s sermon or a bible study. Ideally, this is led by a trauma-informed leader who is knowledgeable about spiritual abuse or has experienced it themselves. I recently completed the Trauma Reboot course in a small group setting and found it to be very beneficial to my healing journey.

 

Do meet someplace other than the church. Remember my spiritual abuse triggers post? It’s real. Meeting in a church building can be impossible for those with serious religious trauma. Find a local coffee shop, reserve a meeting room at the library, or perhaps the leader is able to host the gathering in their home. Finding a neutral place to connect is optimal.

 

Do allow them to share their experience. If and when they are ready to talk about what has happened, let them. This is a time to listen and not instruct or make assumptions. Responding with, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” is a very caring response.

 

Don’t Do This

 

Don’t expect them to join your church. Think twice before bombarding them with an invite to every ministry event and program your church offers. This can feel like love bombing and pressure to commit to a new faith community. There should be no underlying agenda other than caring for them. You can also ask them directly if they’d like to know about other happenings in your church. 

 

Don’t use minimizing statements. Refrain from saying things like, “No church is perfect”, or “Everyone is a sinner, so that’s no surprise.” These statements convey that the victim’s expectations are wrong or unrealistic. Again, offenses are different from abuse. I assume my pastor is a sinner, I don’t assume he’s abusive. See the difference?

 

Don’t forget to pursue them. Get to know them and be a real friend outside of a small group setting. Cultivating an authentic relationship regardless of someone’s church attendance communicates value, acceptance, patience, and understanding. 

 

Don’t get hung up on formulas. You might not have a perfect program pitch to show your church, but with the right heart the Holy Spirit can direct your steps. This is about providing a consistent connection to the body of Christ for believers who are healing from spiritual abuse. You don’t have to have it all figured out to begin doing just that! You can learn as you go.

 

When victims of spiritual abuse are unable to participate in a local church setting, they remain isolated from the body of Christ. They lose access to the very people they need to encourage and strengthen their faith.

 

Instead of waiting around at church for that hurt person to hopefully get over their religious trauma on their own, let’s lean into their stories. Let’s show up where they’re at. Let’s create space for healing by being available.

 

Let’s be the hands and feet of Christ.

 

What do you think? Does your church have any ministry initiatives that reach out to spiritual abuse victims? Do you think your faith community would be open to some of these suggestions? Is there anything you would add? Why not share some of these ideas and find out? I think we might be surprised at the level of interest!

2 thoughts on “How Churches Can Help the Spiritually Abused”

  1. Wow, thank you for this! What a relief to read an article with such understanding. While none of us wanted to get to the point where we understood this problem so clearly, I deeply appreciate your willingness to take the time to state the problem so clearly and offer thoughtful ~ and helpful! ~ insights on gentle ways to address the problem.

  2. I believe at this time the church itself has become obsolete. We the people are the church. Therefore we must begin listening to the pain some are going through and act in love. It doesn’t take much to extend and create relationships. To rebuild trust in the church by the people themselves. Everyone has been hurt it’s up to us with God and prayer to help heal the broken. We need to be made whole and only Christ in us can accomplish that.

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