We all have that one friend, family member, or acquaintance that can’t seem to get over their ‘church hurt’. We’ve tried to engage with them about visiting our place of worship on a Sunday morning. However, the conversation is over before it even begins, because they have either politely or not-so-politely declined the suggestion.
In our frustration, impatience, and judgmentalism we search for answers. We look past the pain of their experience in the church and conclude that it must be a “them” issue.
We might think things like…
They have too high of expectations. There are no perfect churches.
They have a sin issue. Bitterness or unforgiveness is evident in their lives over what happened to them.
Their priorities are out of balance. They’ve replaced their Sunday mornings with selfish indulgences.
I have been guilty of this presumptuous thinking, but it’s time we acknowledge that there is a range of offenses that can take place in the body of Christ that keeps people from returning to church. On one end, someone can experience a small infraction, but on the other end lies the possibility of spiritual abuse. Many times we assume the former is the most likely cause while remaining ignorant about the latter. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we must be careful not to misdiagnose the cause of one’s distance from a church building.
So What is Spiritual Abuse?
To accurately assess what one has experienced, we need to know what spiritual abuse is. Many live within the context of a faith community for decades yet have trouble deciphering this type of harm.
In Michael J. Kruger’s book, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church, he defines spiritual abuse as this:
“Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader–such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization–wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him as a means of maintaining his own power and control, even if he is convinced he is seeking biblical and kingdom-related goals.”
Given this definition, it can be particularly tricky for victims and those surrounding them to recognize spiritually abusive behavior. It’s much easier to dismiss unhealthy actions if we feel they are producing an ultimate good. That is why it’s crucial to become educated about the covert and overt ways abusive behavior shows up in faith communities.
Once we understand the level of harm that has transpired the more effective our care is towards that person.
Effects of Spiritual Abuse
If you find yourself in the presence of a spiritual abuse victim, you must learn what the aftermath of this devastating abuse can look like. Kruger’s book discusses the emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual repercussions that often plague these individuals. He shares that fear, anger, shame, and depression are common occurrences. Some are even diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which causes abuse victims to suffer from, “insomnia, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, tremors, heart problems, joint and muscle pain, and even auto-immune disorders.”
As serious as these physical consequences are, the spiritual effects are the most destructive. Kruger explains that experiencing this type of mistreatment damages one’s trust in the church, in Christianity, in God, and one’s own self. It often creates a barrier to feeling God’s love, plunging the victim into further hopelessness and grief. If the pain of losing a loved one is one of life’s greatest tragedies, then losing connection to God is simply unfathomable.
Kruger addresses their inability to return to church, “Indeed, many abuse survivors stay away from the church for long periods of time, and some never return. The reasons for this absence aren’t difficult to see. Church activities often trigger bursts of anxiety or emotional pain as survivors are reminded of what they endured in their last church. Just seeing a pastor preach or being in a congregation on a Sunday morning can dredge up hurtful memories. Even hearing a certain passage of Scripture can be painful if the abusive pastor used it to bully and manipulate.”
The effects of religious trauma can be a form of torment keeping them from the very people they need the most.
Overlooking Serious Harm in the Body of Christ
So what is at stake when we fail to comprehend the ramifications of a traumatized soul?
In 1 Corinthians 12:26, the body of Christ’s response to pain is explained like this, “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together”. Similar to how the human body’s condition only worsens if a serious injury or ailment is continually neglected, the Body of Christ cannot afford to ignore its troubled members. When we fail to adequately care for the severely wounded, we compound the challenges to their recovery, ultimately affecting the body as a whole.
We must not direct a hemorrhaging heart to triage when they are in desperate need of intensive care.
In Ezekiel chapter 34, God shows us how he cares for the lost and hurting who have been harmed by abusive shepherds. In verses 15-16, it says, “I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord God. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak…”
If our loving Father searches for the lost, bandages their wounds, and cares for his people where they are, then why do we often adopt a “come to us” approach? We must consider how to mirror the Lord’s attitude towards the spiritually wounded in our lives.
We can make space for them in our lives without the contingency of church building attendance. It only takes one safe person to begin building trust again. Perhaps it will possibly lead these precious souls back to a faith community again. The time frame for that process is not for us to determine.
Let’s slow down our expectations for recovery.
Instead of assigning motives, let’s get curious.
Instead of disconnecting, let’s stay connected.
Instead of retreating, let’s pursue.
Let’s make our main focus on becoming an agent of healing.
Let’s be like Christ.
Looking for more specific ways to help the spiritually wounded? Check out this previous post, How Churches Can Help the Spiritually Abused.
