Just Find Another Church?

It was the fall after we were excommunicated, and all of the back-to-school routines were starting up again. The kids were missing their friends, their community, and the fun weeknight kid’s program our old church offered for preschool and elementary-aged children. At the time, the most logical next step was to look around at nearby churches to see what similar activities could fill the void.

 

There was quite a bit to choose from, it would seem, but for us, it needed to meet a few other standards that we did not have before. We ended up signing two of our boys up for a weekly children’s ministry program near our house that seemed to at least fit some of our requirements. However, it was only for children grades 1-5. That left our fourth born, only five years old at the time, needing to stay home with us on those nights.

 

That was fine with him, as his trust isn’t easily earned, and being left with a bunch of strangers wasn’t his idea of a good time. He would happily tag along for drop off and pick up though. One time early on in the season we had just dropped off his brothers at church and I had begun to drive away. The sun had already set as I drove down a winding road. I had left our napping baby at home with Miguel and I wondered to myself if he had woken up to be nursed yet. While lost in my superficial thoughts my young son sitting in the backseat was processing something much, much deeper. 

 

From the rear of my minivan I heard his just-barely-still-toddler voice say, “Mommy, is this our new church?” 

 

These questions were always mentally and emotionally loaded. Trying to figure out what information a child can handle while adequately answering their question was tough.

 

“Oh honey, we haven’t chosen a church. We are just visiting different ones and trying to make new friends, “ I responded, hoping my answer was sufficient.

 

I looked in the rearview mirror but I couldn’t see his face. It was too dark.

 

“But what if this church kicks us out? Would we try to find another one? Or would we just stop going to church?” His curious heart wasn’t satisfied.

 

My heart ached. We hadn’t used the term “kicked out” to explain what happened to us, but this is how our older kids had begun to summarize it. And for a small child trying to understand why we weren’t allowed to go back to the church he was raised in, those words summed it up perfectly.

 

The process of attending a new church has been complicated. Leaving behind a community that we were so active in can feel a bit like an identity crisis. There has been no well-paved path while navigating this season, no clear guidelines with signs that say, “GO THIS WAY” or “STOP.” It has been a full-on day-by-day reliance on the Lord to direct and hopefully sustain our faith amid deep distrust. 

 

As I read more and more about spiritually abusive systems the slower I was to just get back to normal and find a new church. These harmful systems weren’t easy to detect and I, out of anyone, clearly could not decipher what was what. I couldn’t trust my discernment.

 

Discernment, ha. 

 

I’m pretty sure I thought that was one of my spiritual gifts before this point. I was perplexed to read about “Spiritual Traps” in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Vonderen. A book that I kept on the nightstand next to my bed. The words inside kept me up late into the night. It explained how spiritual traps worked and how in general, good traps involve having good bait and sharp teeth that create an inability to break free. With every page I turned I felt more and more nauseated.

 

Here’s an excerpt from the chapter How to Escape a Spiritual Trap:

 

“There are many kinds of bait in the spiritually abusive church, family or organization. “Right standing with God” is probably the most common bait. In 2 Corinthians 11:13-15, Paul says that false apostles “disguise themselves as servants of righteousness.” The abusive system gives people an opportunity to earn God’s approval with their own positive self-effort. In fact, this bait is so appealing that people fail to notice several things. 

 

For instance, they learn to ignore others around them who point out that they are being neglected or mistreated. They overlook it when they grow more tired as time goes on. They ignore the fact that people close to them are leaving and urging them to leave. They are oblivious to how it is becoming easier to justify the things that not too long ago they abhorred.” 

 

The writer goes on to provide a table that explains how certain types of victims fall prey to various traps. It matches THE TRAP(Characteristics of the Spiritually Abusive System) to THE PREY(Learned Powerlessness: Effects of Previous Shame-based Relationships on Victims). If you are interested in reading more I encourage you to visit my RESOURCES page where I provide a direct link to this book.

 

Since reading this again, I’ve processed some of the bait and teeth that kept us trapped for so long.

 

Here is the bait I found:

 

• Approval from God with constant opportunities for works-based service
• Approval from God to “Not neglect meeting with one another”
• Approval from man(People pleasing and maintaining a good reputation)

The “teeth” that kept us from breaking free from the abusive system were the following:

 

• Service opportunities that utilized our interests and gifts(Playing in the band, co-hosting a YouTube channel, leading a Community Group)
• Fun activities for our children
• Valuable relationships/Social life for our children(especially as a homeschool family)
• Valuable relationships/Social life for us

While the bait fed unhealthy thoughts and affirmations in my head regarding my relationship with God and others, the “teeth” that kept us there were generally not bad things for us to desire. We are made to be connected to a community and to use our talents! However, when meeting those wants and needs overrode consistent warning signs about unrepentant, harmful behavior we saw, it’s clear there was a problem. 

 

It was only when we continued to witness questionable actions from our church leaders and lost our favorite serving opportunities that we started to break free. Vocalizing any lack of trust in church authority threatened nearly all of our close relationships within that community. Our experience no longer made it possible to pretend. We were unable to keep our friendships going normally and the fun activities for our kids came to a screeching halt. 

 

The more we lost the more clearly we could see the bait for what it was.

 

The last characteristic of an effective trap that I want to touch briefly on is when all of an individual’s needs for belonging, value, and socialization are being met in one single place. This makes the cost of leaving heighten to a level that feels unsurvivable. Our family was a prime example of this. We were not balanced in what activities or communities we chose to engage in. Many times we juggled four to six church commitments a week! There’s so much more to say about this topic. For now, I know it has to be a priority for me to find multiple places and communities where our family’s emotional, spiritual, and many other needs can be met. 

 

To sum it up, I still have a lot to work through before deciding if and when we will commit our family to a new church again. There is a rewiring taking place and it is no fast process. The shame involved with not attending a church regularly and the utter loneliness are tough to overcome, but decades of experience have taught me that just joining any one church to fill all the voids could land us in the same devastating cycle. I am going to have to trust that God would patiently wait for us and that our approval or level of spiritual maturity was never based on our Sunday service attendance anyway. 

 

What about you? Do you think you would know if you are in a spiritually abusive environment? What are some healthy indicators that you are not stuck in a toxic system?