Subtle Signs You May Be in a Spiritually Abusive Church

 

I remember the first time I read an article like the one I’m about to write. A pastor friend sent me a link exposing ten signs of an abusive pastor. I was both curious and desperate to understand what I had experienced. As I read through the list, my stomach twisted tighter and tighter. I thought an abusive pastor walked around like a curmudgeon and yelled at everyone in their path. I assumed it would be easy to spot, but I found out that that’s just not true. 

 

Further, while I was trying to figure out if my former pastor was abusive, I learned an even more important lesson; abusive pastors only exist in unhealthy environments. Wherever a leader is acting in harmful ways, there is a group of individuals who have agreed to keep the unqualified leader in their position. Patterns of religious organizations and ministries that are found to have toxic leadership need to be looked at as a whole.

 

Before we get started let’s take a look at a definition of spiritual abuse. In Michael J. Kruger’s book, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church, he states the following:

 

“Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader–such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization–wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him as a means of maintaining his own power and control, even if he is convinced he is seeking biblical and kingdom-related goals.”

 

I thought this definition was particularly helpful because we often fall prey to believing that the ends justify the means. Some leaders claim to be upholding biblical values while trampling on the sheep. This is important to keep in mind because we often think a wolf will likely be spotted for his bad theology or some other obvious display of sinful behavior. From time to time, a wolf might show their teeth or even bite one of their sheep, but if they provide a biblical justification for their harmful behavior, most of their flock will have no problem feeding on the benefits their shepherd provides.

 

The reality is, that once we’ve chosen a church and have committed our lives or even our family’s lives to it, most of us stop thinking critically. We overlook offenses to a fault and find ourselves dishing out a lot of “benefit of the doubt” type verbiage. We become used to quieting our inner voice and making sure our outer voice is full of positivity and loyalty, because if a concern does end up being something more serious, it may mean a series of relational losses for ourselves or our loved ones.

 

Let’s take a look at some of the subtle signs of a spiritually abusive environment.

 

Enables Abuse

 

This may seem like an overt sign of an abusive environment, but it is actually very tricky to detect. There is a very ugly pattern in the church when it comes to abuse. I had lived my entire life committed to various church communities and wasn’t aware of this dark secret until our world collided with a victim of abuse. When researching the best way to go about getting help we found out the tragic truth. Story after story, article after article, and book after book revealed a common theme: victims are often disbelieved, blamed, and even punished when they try to get help from their pastors and elders. 

 

Instead, churches often say it’s not their business, they avoid hard confrontations and usually take the abusive person at their word. Christian psychologist, author, and abuse expert, David E. Clarke, discusses this common response to marital abuse victims in the church. In his book, Enough is Enough, he writes,

 

“One way to avoid dealing with abuse is simply to deny its existence. If you don’t have abuse in the home, church leaders don’t have to address it. When you describe in detail how you are being abused, your leaders don’t believe you. They minimize the nature of the behavior and redefine it to mean something far less serious…Their denial is a lie, and the Bible is clear about lying. Church leaders are to be shepherds of every one of their flock, protecting and caring for the sheep(see Acts 20;28; 1 Peter 5:2) Church leaders are to address directly and without delay every spiritual issue in the church, no matter how difficult, painful, or awkward it might be (see 1 Cor. 5), and despite the negative, often unkind criticism they will receive for their actions.”

 

If your church is hesitant to provide safety to victims of abuse, or claims that confronting a sinful pattern that is seriously harming someone else is not their responsibility, then your church enables abuse. 

 

Playing the Ol’ Switcheroo

 

Bringing a serious concern to leadership about the character of someone on staff at church is rarely an impulsive or quick action. This is often an agonizing decision that requires much time, prayer and supernatural courage. No one wants to see their church leaders exercising disqualifying behavior. No one. But if two, three, or even more people have the bravery to vocalize such devastating information to the leaders of the church, pay attention. How your church handles those concerns will tell you a lot about the culture. Take special note if they begin to use the DARVO method, which is a well-known tactic to sideline allegations. DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender. Read more here(https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/). 

 

This is a very common response when an abusive individual and organization is confronted. Instead of taking responsibility for harm done, they deny any wrongdoing. Then they attack the party who has a concern by condemning them and finding various sins to find them guilty of. Next, they or someone on their team declares that they are the actual victim that has been offended, threatened, or harmed. Many times, faithful church members remain in good standing for decades, but when they vocalize a concern with church leadership, they are villainized and cast out.

 

Professor Michael J. Kruger writes about this tactic in his book, Bully Pulpit, 

 

“If a pastor is accused of spiritual abuse, it would not be surprising nor would it be inappropriate for him to declare his innocence. He might, in fact, be innocent. But it is wholly different for that pastor to declare that he has been slandered. That is more than a claim of innocence; it is an aggressive countercharge that the accusers themselves are engaged in despicable and sinful behavior. It’s a way to present himself as the victim and the accusers as the problem. In other words, it is a methodology designed to flip the script.”

 

If an accusation against a leader ends with the concerned party’s reputation being destroyed, banishment from the church, or some other type of punishment, you can be sure it is a sick system.

 

Extensive Relational Turmoil

 

Does your pastor have a relational graveyard that seems never-ending? Does he have a track record of not being able to work things out? Do they promote tribalism that divides friends, family, and church members alike? Not normal. They may provide a reason for each and every estrangement, but if your leader’s professed innocence is the common denominator, be careful. Conflicts are going to arise. Humans are imperfect and churches are full of them, but if disagreements result in a multitude of tense or severed relationships then something is wrong. 

 

Michael J. Kruger also writes about relational baggage in the same book, Bully Pulpit, 

 

“Every ministry has some conflict. We live in a fallen world where clashes are a part of every church. But there is a difference with abusive pastors. The relational debris field of an abusive pastor is different not only in volume of conflicts but also in the depth of those conflicts. Often the lives in his wake are genuinely destroyed; many leave the ministry and others abandon the Christian faith altogether. Also, abusive pastors often have unresolved conflict. They are typically estranged from many of the people they used to work with.” 

 

In my experience, this type of environment is created when leadership has fallen into a pattern of pride and image preservation. Humility and the ability to make amends with those we have hurt should be one of our most important characteristics as a follower of Christ. If relationships are continually left unresolved between leadership and others, the culture is likely unhealthy.

 

Getting the Job Done

 

In pastoral and ministry leadership positions a person’s character should have more value than what’s listed on their resume. However, many churches focus on what a leader produces, not on who they are. This can create fertile ground for unqualified individuals to obtain or remain in influential positions.

 

Character transformation happens through personal encounters with God, but when cultivating a ministry, there is a tension and balance that is difficult to maintain. If leadership is not careful, they will focus more on accomplishing their duty, instead of maintaining their relationship with the Lord. Ministry leaders can become obsessed with what they can produce to meet or exceed the expectations of their role. When their attention prioritizes feeding the flock, they often neglect the importance of being fed themselves. 

 

Psychologist and abuse specialist, Diane Langberg, writes in her book When the Church Harms God’s People, 

 

“We often tend to select leaders in the Christian world according to their gifts rather than their character. We are often drawn to leaders whose intelligence, oratory, and social facility overshadow a weakness of character. When a leader is particularly gifted verbally, has a charismatic personality, and is adept with using spiritual language, it is easy to assume maturity and obedience to God. We see gifts and assume the leader’s character matches the image they project. Sadly, there have been charismatic leaders in the Christian world who achieved power and status because of their capacity for public speaking, vision casting, and entrepreneurial capabilities but had hidden character flaws such as lack of integrity or egotistical narcissism.”

 

Pay attention if your Pastors or ministry leaders don’t have personal testimonies of God refining and continually teaching them. Pastors can become puffed up in their expertise in biblical studies, believing that their only job is to relay biblical instruction to the flock. Their sermons will be heavily knowledge-based, not experience-based. If most of the Sunday sermons you are hearing are void of sharing how that individual has been experiencing God in their walk with Him, it is an indicator of a “getting the job done” mentality.

 

I’ve only highlighted a small portion of what I’ve experienced and learned through my research on this largely undiscussed issue in the church. How I wish more pastors would inform and empower their flock to recognize spiritual abuse and the environment it thrives. Educating ourselves on this important topic is one of the best things we can do to eradicate it. 

 

Lastly, it is important to note, that we can’t expect our churches to have it all together in all categories all the time. It is not my intention to be a graceless critic, but we should trust that a church will make changes when they’ve seen wolves repeatedly exploit the system, or when the sheep are being severely harmed. 

 

How about you? What are other subtle signs of a spiritually abusive culture? Were you a part of it? Did you recognize it while you were in it?