It was just a normal night hanging out with friends from church. We adults would enjoy some conversation while the kids ran amuck through the house. We’d share stories about work and laugh over the previous week’s parenting challenges. Inevitably, something to do with church would come up. It was a topic that came up frequently since we all spent so much of our time there.
Most of our talks about church were informational. We discussed who was serving Sunday morning and if our kids were all caught up on reciting their bible verses for the week. However, another matter that was routinely brought up had to do with the confusing interactions our friend had with church leadership. For some reason, she was being treated much differently than her husband, and not in a good way. She continually felt unwanted and devalued, while her counterpart was being promoted in his responsibilities and receiving constant pats on the back from the pastors, elders, and staff.
My friend, who was a full-time working mom with several children, figured that maybe she wasn’t doing enough. She pushed herself. She didn’t have the flexibility in her schedule that her husband did, but it seemed like one of the clearest ways to earn favor was to give more of herself. She increased her service efforts for needs at church. Some of the positions left her working late into the night and stole away what little time she had with her young children on the weekends. Earning their acceptance was exhausting, but she frequently reminded herself not to be a “consumer”, which was the shame-filled term our former pastor used for people who did not dedicate many hours to his church initiatives. She attempted to keep up with the demands, but it was clear she was exhausted.
It wasn’t enough. What started out as just a nuisance, was becoming something much more destructive not only to her but to her family and marriage.
I’ve spoken on the topic of playing favorites in this previous post, but now I want to talk about the damage that this sort of treatment can do to a marriage. Like our friends, my husband and I were also affected by an uneven distribution of approval. Even though my husband regularly shared the stage with our pastor on Sundays by faithfully serving on the worship team, he had not received the same praise and adoration that I was bestowed. I had a hard time figuring out why the treatment was so different, but reluctantly chalked it up to incompatible personalities.
One time, my pastor even admitted to me that it was common for him and his wife to feel very united and connected to one person in a marriage but not the other. Somehow his confession normalized what I had been witnessing. Although this was not the case for every marriage, the pattern of partiality was evident; even he knew it.
One spouse was seen as discerning; the other was spiritually immature or misguided.
One spouse was given accolades; the other’s presence was silently tolerated.
One spouse was spoken well of behind closed doors; the other gossiped about.
One spouse was compliant; the other was difficult.
One spouse was gifted; the other was nearly useless.
One spouse was invited; the other was a tag-a-long.
One spouse gave the right answers; the other gave the wrong ones.
One spouse was promoted; the other was expected to repeatedly support in the shadows.
One spouse could be counted on to say yes; the other had the ability to say no.
One spouse was picked; the other was picked over.
One spouse fit in, and the other one didn’t.
Unsurprisingly, some couples weren’t weathering so well over this lopsided treatment. It seemed that the closer a “mismatched” couple was to the nucleus of ministry leadership, the more likely it was for it to begin tearing at the seams of their matrimony. At church, everyone would attempt to play nice amidst unfair dynamics, choosing rather to focus on the other benefits the community offered, but at home behind closed doors, it was a festering wound that caused division between husband and wife. Living in a world where one’s spouse appears to be winning socially and spiritually, while the other is always on the losing end, can become a defeating existence.
The effects of this harmful environment are far-reaching. When my spiritual leaders regularly dismissed and devalued my spouse at church it became much easier to adopt the same attitude at home. My pastor’s disapproval of my partner’s actions combined with the validation of mine was ripe soil for a spiritual stronghold to form against our marriage. I could not separate myself from the intrinsic belief that our pastor’s perspective had to be more godly, which made me more godly, which made my spouse…ungodly and nearly always in the wrong.
Can you see where this is going?
The effects of this type of leadership are crippling to a relationship’s ability to resolve conflict. Any marital concerns the disadvantaged partner brings up won’t be taken seriously. The spiritual leader’s favoritism functions like an exemption from wrongdoing which only invalidates the unfavored spouse’s opinions. It inhibits the spiritual growth and health of both individuals and the struggling marriage is unable to make progress.
In the book, Boundaries in Marriage, well-known authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend issue a word of caution to couples.
“All good marriages need outside support, so we need to seek out the right and appropriate sources. These should be people who are not only safe, but whose influence on us strengthens the marriage bond. Find people who are “for” your marriage and want to help you grow together. Avoid those who play the game of “poor you, being married to that bad person.” This doesn’t help a marriage. Even further, avoid those who would like to be destructive to the bond in the guise of being helpful to you.”
Being a part of a healthy faith community should not compromise your marriage. I’m aware that there are extreme cases where one spouse doesn’t allow the other to exercise their faith and convictions. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about choosing to surround yourself with people who continually pick sides in your relationship which will contribute to its breakdown. These types of “friends” do not have your best interests in mind. Marriages and the individuals within them are to be nourished and protected. Healthy churches should enhance your marriage, not weaken it.
For several of the couples from our former church, getting space from this toxic culture was the only way they’ve been able to find healing in their marriage, us included. But others weren’t as lucky. Some have chosen to remain in a world where their spouses are repeatedly “othered”. For at least one couple, this insidious treatment was a large aid in the complete destruction of their marriage.
Whenever I reflect on this experience, 1 Corinthians 12:22 comes to mind. Paul reminds the church of Corinth about the value of the less desired individuals within the body of Christ. It says,
“On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable…”
The individuals that are minimized and disregarded are indispensable. I find this verse to be both convicting and healing. It is a comforting reminder that God does not condone biased treatment of His children. We are called to value each and every person.
The consequences of this type of culture should serve as a stark warning to anyone who is participating in or a recipient of favoritism or even anyone who is passively observing it. I regularly thank God that I am no longer in the grips of an environment plagued by favoritism. Who knows what would’ve happened to our own marriage had we had the option to stay?
Have you ever witnessed favoritism in church environments? How about at work? Or in your family of origin? What were the effects of it?
