Waking Up to My Child’s Face on Fox News

 

My morning brain fog was still thick when a phone call came in from an excited family member. 

 

They had just seen one of my children’s faces on Fox News. 

 

Wait. What? Why?

 

Fox is no small news station. I didn’t understand how this could happen without me knowing. I anxiously clicked on the link sent to me via text. Within seconds, there he was. My toddler son’s beautiful face was displaying the most joy-filled surprise look a kid could muster. 

 

I sat and watched. The segment was about how the historically popular Boy Scouts Club was being ditched for a faith-based organization for children. And my son? Well, he just so happened to be their poster child, proudly wearing the tiny religious uniform vest over his long-sleeved hoodie. The photo had been taken at our previous church, and I was well aware of its existence, but I never in a million years thought it would make national news.

 

Maybe some parents would be giddy at the idea of their kid’s face being chosen to promote a Christian business on national television, but that was not my reaction. It couldn’t be. Not post-excommunication. Not in the thick of isolation and abandonment. Not in the wake of being used and abused by religious leaders. I was shocked. And soon after, my emotions very quickly turned into grief, and then anger. 

 

My son’s photo was being used to promote a ministry that we had regularly invested our family in for a decade. We invested our time, our money, and our energy for years. We gave them the high privilege of shepherding our children multiple times a week. But with our excommunication, we received specific instructions that banned our children from attending any kids’ ministry or church sponsored event at our former place of worship.

 

My son had essentially been kicked out of the very program that was using his likeness to get more customers. It felt like another punch to the gut. A punch that exploited our family to achieve another spiritual leader’s personal goals, with a complete neglect of my young son’s life-altering experience with their ministry.

 

I had just spent an entire year witnessing my boy’s tears over deep loss and rejection. A year of repeatedly trying to make sense with my words and seeing his confused little face every single time. A year of his heartbreaking questions about why we couldn’t go back to our old church, and if we would ever find another. A year of broken trust and barely existent prayers. He had lost friends and even family from this tragic life event. His story was so fragile, correction, is so fragile. His heart was shattered by what had happened. 

 

Even so, the truth is, I wish I hadn’t been so disturbed by it all. Old me would’ve celebrated this moment. I would’ve worn this moment like a proud badge, but spiritual abuse has a way of reframing things. Instead of living in blissful naivety, my brain constantly scans my experiences for the parallels, the common themes, the threats.

 

I took a deep breath and did what I could to think reasonably and logically about it. Surely I could coach myself into making it smaller and less impactful than it felt. After all, the business being advertised is a separate entity from the churches it’s used in. Which probably means the organization had no idea that the little boy’s picture they had chosen for their Fox News Debut was abruptly expelled from his weekly participation in their program. It probably was an unfortunate coincidence. 

 

Probably.

 

I also recalled checking a box when registering the kids for their programs, consenting to the ministry using my children’s photos responsibly, but I would venture to say that this was not responsible at all. In the wake of seeing it, several parents told me that another waiver should’ve been sent out if the exposure was greater than normal, but that opportunity was never given to me.

 

I wish I could’ve prevented this. My insides sank deeper as I contemplated what other ways I could not protect my children from the fallout. I felt completely powerless. I was so desperate for this nightmare to be over, and yet, it has continued in ways that I could never have imagined.

 

Matthew 18:6 states, “If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

 

These words, Jesus’ words, remind me that my kids matter. Their stories matter. Their experience within the church matters. Their perspective of church leaders matters. And perhaps God allowed my son’s picture to be used to prove this very point. For every ministry and church leader who knew my child and was excited to see the organization they supported thriving and being promoted on Fox News, they would also need to face the innocent boy who was expelled from their program. Thinking about it more positively, this was a clear message that he could not be so easily buried or quickly forgotten.

 

I didn’t want this to happen again though. Afterall, I knew how it felt. Prior to this conflict, I had co-hosted the church’s Q&A Youtube channel with my former lead pastor. Also stated in our excommunication letter was that any videos I appeared in would be removed from their platforms. I was not upset about this because it made no sense for me to represent them, nor did I want to. And I’m sure for them, the faster they could delete any existence of our family the better. However, after several months, I noticed that one remaining video of me still existed on their channel. Ironically, the topic of the video was, “Is it okay not to have a relationship with my pastor?” Naturally, I promptly and politely asked them to remove any remaining footage of me. 

 

For this circumstance, I decided to write a letter to the organization not only informing them of my desire to withdraw my sons’ pictures from their future advertisements, but also a short summary of how the church harshly disciplined our family…in case that was an issue for them. I wish I could tell you that the Chief Operating Officer took my child’s spiritual abuse experience seriously, but he didn’t. He offered some shallow platitudes about our family’s pain and challenges, and said he would do his best to keep my kids’ photos out of their future advertisements but could make no guarantees based on their inability to assign identities to their huge collection of photos.

 

Sigh. I was just an email to check off the list for his work day. I could not require anything more from him than what he was willing to give. I wish he had asked for more information that led to my son’s expulsion. A phone call, perhaps. Or a willingness to see possible issues in their current mode of operation. But let’s be real, I now understand that the cleaner and easier route is to stay out of church dealings and side with leadership’s decisions, no matter how destructive they are. Sadly.

 

Looking back, I also wish I had brought up the idea that neglecting to train churches on spiritual abuse while banking on a healthy execution of their ministries is a liability for their company. And although my children might be a rare case scenario, the potential for serious harm in instances like these should outweigh the probability score. The strong biblical warning we just read should be enough for us to pause and consider whether further precautions should be taken.

 

It makes one wonder, what do you think Jesus’ response to me would’ve been? 

 

I firmly believe that all ministry employees, volunteers, and programs should require education on the topic of spiritual abuse. In all the various leadership positions I’ve held in the church for the past several decades, I’ve never received training on this topic. Why has this not been a value in the church? What has been the fruit of ignoring spiritual manipulation and control tactics in our churches? When will we begin taking this issue seriously? 

 

Please share if you have ever been trained on spiritual abuse in a church or ministry setting. What did you learn, and how were those in your care more greatly protected because of it?