When figuring out ways to engage with someone who has been wounded, it is helpful to bring a spirit of curiosity to the conversation. Try to find out what would be most helpful to that individual or family. My recommendations in this post should not be seen as a comprehensive list as each person is living in different circumstances and has experienced varying levels of harm.
Those that have been isolated from their faith communities are in a particularly vulnerable state. Many of the checkpoints below address people that have recently been covertly or overtly pushed out of their community, as well as individuals that made the very hard decision to leave based on unhealthy patterns not being sufficiently addressed. The loss of relationships that come with this change can bring about significant grief.
Generally, a good starting point is to find out if their basic needs are being met first. You might be tempted to think that the effects of leaving behind a church could not or should not have implications that are this serious, but they can be. Further, any abuse that involves our emotional and mental well-being has the potential to affect our physical well-being. Keep in mind that it is not up to you to decide how deeply the harm has affected them, especially if shame, betrayal, or abandonment is a part of their story.
What is up to you is deciding to care well for them.
Here are some things to consider.
- Are they eating?
- If they tell you they are not consuming much because they don’t feel like it, drop off some fresh fruit, granola bars, or their favorite snack. Small pre-made dishes or salads that take little effort to prepare and consume are ideal for someone who does not have an appetite. If they have a family, you can lighten the load by making them dinner for a night. We were blessed with several dinners and it was especially helpful!
- Do they have shelter?
- Unfortunately, there are extreme circumstances where a divide from one’s community threatens their ability to have a reliable, safe place to lay their head at night. Are you able to offer a room to them on certain days? Can you do some research to connect them to possible places they can stay even if it’s short term?
- Do they have a way to provide for themselves?
- Are they able to work? Have the effects of abuse coupled with the storms of life caused them to be unable to sustain a living? Can you give them information to their local pantry? Do you know of any financial resources that can help? Are you aware of short-term or part-time jobs that are available? Do they need help updating their resume? Do they have any useful skills that are helpful that you would be willing to pay for?
- Are they able to sleep?
- Many times the stress, worry, and pain of what they are experiencing keeps them from being able to sleep. Give them healthy sleep aid suggestions and gently remind them that it is necessary to rest their mind and body.
- Do they have time and space to grieve?
- Work and family demands are constant. Can you offer to watch their children while they spend some time alone in the safety of their own home? Offering to give their kids some much-needed attention while they attend to their own emotional or mental needs is a tremendous blessing to both the kids and the parents.
- Do they have emotional support?
- Do they appreciate phone calls? Call them to check in. What face-to-face support do they have? Offer your physical presence or in some cases, just tell them you are coming at such and such time. Let them be the ones to cancel your already-made plans to visit. This can cut out the feeling of being a burden. Are they willing to see a counselor? Do they need a recommendation for one? You can also connect them with other caring people that you know would be helpful and are willing to be supportive.
- Pray for them.
- If they are willing, pray with them over the phone or in person. Pray for them on your own. Send them a text to say that you are thinking of them and are offering up petitions on their behalf.
- Be patient with them.
- Understand that healing will take time. While your motives may be good, sending hope-filled bible verses, a sermon to listen to, or a positive Christian saying may fall completely flat. The intricacies of spiritual abuse can affect a person’s experience with anything related to God and/or to the church. Don’t take it personally if they don’t respond or if their response lacks the hopeful enthusiasm you’re used to.
- Grieve with them.
- Give them time to talk about their pain. Showing heartfelt empathy is so important to the healing process. It is powerful when someone is willing to sit in your sadness with you, but be sure you give them updates about your own life too. They care about you and it gives them an opportunity to focus on something else.
- Give them an invitation.
- A person healing from serious trauma is usually not concerned with scheduling life-giving activities for themselves. Invite them to something fun and lighthearted that is not spiritually charged, like a casual get-together, a walk in the neighborhood, or a visit to the local pickleball courts are some options. Keep inviting them out regularly, even if they choose not to go most of the time.
I hope these ideas are helpful to you as you provide care for the injured souls in your life. Some of my suggestions are for freshly wounded hearts, while the others are for the long haulers who will need gradual healing. Hopefully, the love and support you are willing to consistently give can allow them to regain a sense of safety and trust.
Thank you for taking the time to find ways to love the hurting people in your life!
In the comments, please share any other ways you’ve found that are helpful.
